Do You Know Yourself?

Why the people who claim complete self-knowledge are usually the ones who need it most

I’ve learned over the years to be skeptical whenever I hear someone tell me, “I know myself.”

On the one hand, it’s good that they seem to be introspective and value self-knowledge - according to Socrates, that puts them on the path to happiness. So why be skeptical when someone declares that they know themselves? It’s because this comment is often made defensively, as if they’re saying, “Don’t tell me anything about myself. I already know everything I need to know, thank you very much.” It’s a polite “keep out” sign that at best betrays some anxiety about what they might otherwise hear, and that it might sting to find out that they think you’re doing something wrong. At worst, saying “I know myself” can reveal an arrogant self-confidence that betrays their belief that they have nothing further to learn.

I find people who are incurious about themselves to be generally rather dull and uninteresting. After all, if we’re honest, we’re naturally interested in ourselves - it’s part of being human. Another reason why I’m skeptical about people who declare such complete self-knowledge is that it’s entirely lacking in humility about what is truly a lifelong quest.

As a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst who serves as an advisor to business leaders on the kinds of issues they often can’t discuss with anyone else, I have devoted my career to helping leaders become more self-aware. I am constantly seeking it in myself, too, but it’s humbling to admit that one never reaches the “promised land” of complete self-awareness. It’s worth striving for, but one never arrives, precisely because so much of who we are is not only hidden from others but from ourselves, as it lives outside of conscious awareness.

Psychoanalysis and the other types of psychotherapy that it informs can be wonderfully helpful in giving us greater insight into how our minds work and how our personalities are shaped by our accumulated life experience. It’s extremely useful to understand what makes us tick. But what’s missing from these approaches is an additional form of self-awareness which is crucially important: how are we perceived by others. We often make assumptions about how others see us that are more informed by projections of our own self-judgements - attributing our own judgments of ourselves to others - rather than by really finding out what others think.

“It’s far better to know how one is being perceived than not to know.”

The idea of getting feedback from others is a long-established practice in the business world. Virtually all employees get - or at least should get - some kind of regular feedback on their work performance. It comes in different forms, including annual performance reviews and 360 feedback. The latter, 360 feedback, involves getting feedback from a broader group of stakeholders - one’s boss, one’s peers, and one’s subordinates - hence the notion of 360-degrees of feedback.

This is particularly powerful, since it’s not just the boss’s assessment of an employee’s performance, but an aggregate of people who work with and interact with the employee in a range of ways and therefore have a range of experiences with the individual. The feedback that is gathered is rich and can sting a bit, even when delivered with sensitivity and tact. But it’s always a gift to receive such feedback, as it’s far better to know how one is being perceived than not to know.

Feedback given constructively about what one does well and where there’s room for improvement can be liberating. It allows individuals to see themselves more clearly and to adjust behaviors accordingly. Of course, some behaviours are so rooted in one’s character that they are harder to change through force of will (psychoanalytic therapies can be very helpful with these), but even if one can’t change them, it’s still much better to understand the impact these behaviours are having on those around you.

“If we’re honest, we’re naturally interested in ourselves. It’s part of being human.”

Which brings me back to the question of “Do you know yourself?” In the world of work, the idea of getting 360 feedback - getting to “know yourself” - is so commonplace and so widely acknowledged to be helpful that it has become embedded as a value in the culture of work. So why isn’t the value of acquiring this sort of self-awareness widely seen as useful outside of work, in life in general? That’s the subject of my next post.

Part 2 coming soon, stay tuned.