Self-Awareness In Society: Why We'll Ask Our Boss for Feedback But Never Our Friends

Everyone gets feedback at work. Almost nobody gets it outside of it.

In my previous post, I posed the question of why getting feedback about how one is perceived and experienced by others - a commonplace practice in the business world - isn’t widely done outside of work, in life in general.

It is better to know what people actually think of you than being blind to it or making assumptions that are often wrong. Feedback from others is vital to the pursuit of self-awareness. It also complements the awareness about how one’s mind works that can be acquired in certain forms of psychotherapy. So, whereas feedback is normative in the business world, it is anything but that in the social context. That’s what I’d like to explore here.

“The best and most enlightened executives generally seek this feedback enthusiastically, because it enhances their effectiveness at their jobs - and in their lives generally.”

People are always being evaluated in the business world in the form of performance reviews related to their ongoing professional development, as well as to decisions about compensation and potential promotions. With the explosion of interest in executive coaching over the past two decades, the use of some form of 360 feedback is widespread.

In a 360, a coach or trusted advisor confidentially interviews a group of people who interact with you at work and know you well. This is typically your boss, your peers and your direct reports, hence the term “360”. The synthesized feedback that follows yields rich insights into your strengths and your areas for development. It can reveal hidden strengths, as well as blind spots that it behooves you to know about and address.

While 360’s can feel stressful to some, the best and most enlightened executives generally seek this feedback enthusiastically, because it enhances their effectiveness at their jobs and sometimes in their lives generally.

Outside of the business context, it’s a different story. There is nothing in the culture at large that reinforces the practice of asking for feedback, and that’s too bad. Some people assume that if they want to find out how they’re perceived by others in the social realm, they can easily ask a trusted spouse, family member, friend, colleague. Or that one of those trusted people will simply tell them if there’s anything they need to know, without having to ask.

But for a variety of reasons, this is often not true.

People are naturally hesitant to give others feedback out of a fear of hurting their feelings or somehow damaging the relationship. And we are often reluctant to ask for feedback because of a natural fear of what we might hear: the truth.

“Feedback, especially when delivered constructively by people you trust, is a gift. It’s good to give it, and even better to get it.”

We would rather live in denial - in a state of not knowing - than face what might at least initially sting a bit.

But isn’t it better to know that one has spinach in one’s teeth, or that one’s fly is unzipped, or that one talks too much, or that one comes across as uninterested in the feelings of others, or that one drinks too much, or that one’s demeanor is consistently intimidating or bullying, or that one is constantly undermining oneself in relationships or being overly self-critical? The list can go on for miles, and I would argue that it’s always better to know than to not know.

Feedback, especially when delivered constructively by people you trust, is a gift. It’s good to give it, and even better to get it. Now we just need to change the culture to make it as acceptable in everyday life as it has been for decades in the business world.

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Kerry Sulkowicz is the founder of KnowThyself360°, a tool built on the principle at the heart of this essay: that if you want to know yourself, you can’t do it alone.